I tried for as hard as I could not to write about it. To not think about it. To not read about it. But the cynic in me simply could not turn away from the sudden plight of our supposedly most-maligned minority group, now known as the American refugees.

I thought no ex-pat community could annoy me more than South Africans residing in Australia bad-mouthing South Africa. I was wrong. I have many grievances with the whole situation, starting with the fact that these people are refugees in the same way that my husband is a capable multi-tasker, in that, they’re not.

This is made abundantly clear by a number of telltale signs, which I will outline for you here – starting with the fact that every reputable news organisation reporting on this story uses inverted commas when referring to these ‘refugees’.

One such organisation is quoted as saying: “Dressed casually and comfortably for the 13-hour journey that would follow, the group – most young, all white – talked among themselves while avoiding onlookers.” Now, call me nitpicky, but I don’t recall too many images of refugees fleeing for their lives against a backdrop of bombs and marauding rapes while dressed ‘casually and comfortably’.

You also don’t see too many refugees fleeing with their fancy luggage. They’re mostly happy to just be fleeing with their lives – and certainly not on too many scheduled flights. You think they could’ve at least stuffed their meagre belongings into Woolies reusable bags to create something of an aura of refugee. Not this elite minority group.

And, I might be mistaken, but South Africa tends to attract refugees like privileged white men attract younger wives and sexual assault prosecutions. If our country is accepting refugees (and Gayton Mackenzie’s non-stop xenophobia leans into this theory somewhat) then how are we also sending off our own refugees? It’s not a refugee turnstile. Usually these things are more one-way – refugees exit, Imtiaz enter. Imtiaz Sooliman, the global saviour of refugees, who considers South Africa his home base. Poor man apparently missed the plight of these suffering right on his doorstep. Must be losing his touch.

Then it’s where these ‘refugees’ are coming from. The one poor sod came from Hibberdene. Now, that’s not great – sure, but honestly, what the hell was he fleeing? The war-torn South Coast? Is there a war going on that I missed on my last seaside holiday? North vs South? The North Coast embarking on a subversive attack of the South Coast, fuelled by jealousy over their comparatively lower property rates? The South Coast retaliates with by throwing brand-and-coked-laden Molotov cocktails at The Oyster Box? Utter anarchy.

Then there’s another ‘refugee’ from Cape Town. CAPE TOWN. Literally a globally renowned tourism destination. Americans come HERE on holiday. Not Gaza. Not South Sudan. They come to the Independent Republic of the Western Cape. It’s barely even part of our country anyway. Their biggest problem is gang warfare and, let me tell you, this Karen isn’t part of the 26s or 27s.

Her reason for fleeing – Wars? Famine? Persecution? Natural disaster? Nah. She feels the government is ‘overwhelming us with’ racial transformation laws. She’s also a copywriter-turned-life coach which is only a real career in Cape Town. Good luck trying to coach them life in the Deep South (that’s Alabama… not Hibberdene).

Trump’s administration received around 8 200 applications from South Africans wanting refugee status in the ‘land of the free’. They only accepted about 49. If this was the best of the lot, I would pay a lot of money to read the remaining 8 151 applications.

I assume a fair whack came straight out of Orania, but maybe not. They’re pretty much flying the Confederate flag up there anyway, with very few limitations beyond their intellect.

One 60-year-old from the North Coast (possibly a victim of the covert war) tragically didn’t make the cut. Describing herself as ‘not overly sensitive’ (READ: unjustifiably sensitive), she gets night sweats just thinking about that time Julius Malema sang ‘kill the boer’ 15 years ago. She’s not a boer, to start. And the only thing Malema is guilty of killing is common sense. But really, her biggest issue is that she simply doesn’t see a future for herself in South Africa. She’s SIXTY. With no healthcare in America, she’s not got much of a future there either.

What were the selection criteria for refugee status even? Ever been so persecuted in a store so badly you’ve had to demand to speak to the manager? Get picked last for the basketball team? Not a fast runner? Have no skills and an education equivalent to a mole rat, despite being afforded every opportunity?

They might come back. Hopefully not. But all I can say is that when Kolisi and the boys take to the field in their green and gold, they’d better sit their refugee butts down and keep quiet.

Even for Die Stem.