I cannot believe that we have survived the French and American Revolutionary Wars, the Napoleonic War, two World Wars, the rise of colonialism, the fall of colonialism, the advent of democracy, the end of democracy, the Soweto Uprising, end of Bantu Education, Cancel Culture, the #MeToo and Black Lives Matter movements… and yet, somehow, in 2025, we’re STILL being forced to learn Shakespeare in schools.

How did that pointy-bearded, polyamorous, prancing poet not get cancelled? Or at least, very much side-lined, like Johnny Depp. Gone but not forever. Literally, any one of those historic events should have seen Will getteth the stinky boot.

The Shakespeare cultists will have you believe that if we were to remove his plays from the hallowed halls of schools, his work would disappear altogether. I doubt it. Like the British monarchy, Greek classics, German fairytales, or The Bold and the Beautiful – it too will endure.

I majored in English. My husband teaches English. At least 80% of my friends are somehow involved in the educational profession, with a strong leaning towards English. I’m betwixt many a learned individual who considers Shakespeare really top-notch literature, and yet even they would be hard-pressed to list their top 10 Shakespearean plays, their favourite 20 characters from his more obscure tragedies, or even quote a line that wasn’t popularised by Baz Luhrmann.

There are many reasons why the Bard’s works should exit schools post-haste and be solely foisted upon the English nerds studying A levels or a Bachelor of Arts in the hopes of landing a job as a literary-enlightened toilet cleaner. Firstly, his name is spelt differently across all the works – that’s a red flag if I ever saw one.

Secondly, we don’t even know if Shakespeare penned any or all of those plays – that’s plagiarism. Generally speaking, the academic world is against this. Maybe they were written by Christopher Marlowe? Maybe it was the tasty-sounding Sir Francis Bacon? Maybe it was Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford? Maybe it was Anne Hathaway of the Devil Wears Prada fame? Maybe it was some poor sod named Bertram who cleaned William’s latrine and left him plays to read on the bog? We can’t be sure.

Thirdly, Shakespeare – if, indeed, it was Shakespeare and not Bertram the Brown – wrote PLAYS. Not novels. They are meant to be WATCHED. Not read. That is the essence of a play. And back then, if you didn’t like the performance, you could throw fruit. These days kids aren’t even allowed to throw shade.

We might as well get our kids to read Star Wars screenplays – they’re also classics. They involve a lot of drama, mistaken identities, comic relief, father-son angst, inter-planetary warfare… all the themes you’re going to find in Shakespeare plays. Plus, they have Ewoks. Shakespeare only has that talking ass.

Finally (actually I could go on, but ‘too much of a good thing’ and all) it makes no sense to teach something in a language that isn’t even spoken today. And DO NOT tell me it’s English. It’s English the same way that Naas Botha speaks English, in that every sentence needs to be translated into some form of English understood by a much broader population.

The knave turns fool that runs away;

The fool no knave, perdy.

Gooi that phrase out in a South African classroom today, and you’re likely to get knifed for calling a kid ‘perdy’. I may have studied this stuff, but to quote some playwright, ‘It’s all Greek to me’.

In a country of 63 million people, around 5.2 million speak English as a first language – and like, just barely. Yesterday, I had to throw my shoe at a teenager who used the phrase ‘She’s got mad rizz’. I can’t even. Go onto social media, and you’re going to need a Teenage-to-Human dictionary just to decipher the comments. Throw in the fact that 80% of our Grade 3s currently can’t read for meaning in ANY language, and it’s evident Shakespeare might be a stretch too far – even for the teachers.

Shakespeare died in 1613. Bertram the Brown shortly thereafter. It’s probably time to let their words rest awhile too.

Because, as some famous dude once wrote ‘Parting is such sweet sorrow’.

[Curtain falls]