After much pouting, sulking and political-level tantrum-throwing, our GNU politicians finally managed to scramble together a cabinet by simply stuffing it with as many people as possible. Instead of trimming the fat, as some had hoped, the cabinet is more bloated than me after a petrol station beer and curry buffet, with new positions created to accommodate those with no talent outside of sexting.

We now have everything from a Minister of Couch Checking for Foreign Currency to a Minister of Creating New Ministerial Positions just so that everyone is included, but even the long-standing ministerial positions are now a cause for concern. In South Africa, you need not worry about things as trivial as knowledge or experience in your relevant portfolio, as long as you’ve got a portfolio – that’s what counts in the bank balance of life.

While the man probably knows his way around a hoe and a bit of boom, I think that’s hardly justification for putting John One-Liner Steenhuisen in the position of top farmer, yet here we are. I cringe just thinking about the publicity photos he’s already planning: dungarees, straw hat, and some ruby red Stetsons as he prances his way through the sugarcane farms of Zululand dreaming about starring in Season 12 of Boer Soek a Hoe. He’ll be lucky to avoid being shot by a local farmer mistaking him as a very white scarecrow that has come to life.

And just when we thought we were done with Angie Motshekga and her complete obliteration of the Education Department, they shift gears and arm her with long-range missiles and bazookas. Like most in her schools, we clearly haven’t learned our lesson. Although the South African school environment can be like a warzone, I don’t know that it quite qualifies Madame Motshekga to command our frontline against Putin and his little friend from the North. Likewise, her counterpart in Higher Education, the sharpest Blade in the cabinet, has finally been turfed, only to float up as the Minister of Science, Technology and Innovation. Innovation?! The man is 66. He’s innovated all he can innovate and it wasn’t very innovative even then.

No surprises they’ve assigned the Minister of Mineral and Petroleum Resources to our resident dinosaur, Uncle Gweezy. Nobody can find fossil fuels better than a fossil. They should’ve made his deputy whoever is voted the runner-up in the next American elections – no shortage of dinosaurs there either.

Look, I don’t know who Leon Amos Schreiber is but the man’s online profile indicates he was educated at Freie Universität Berlin. Anyone who has studied in Germany is welcome to the Department of Home Affairs in my opinion. They’re the only country that can fix our ID machine anyway. He’ll just be lucky if he doesn’t die an early death – through sheer shock or by his own hand – when trying to deal with any Home Affairs branch in Zululand.

I thought it was a bold move placing the head of the FF+ in the prime position as Minister of Correctional Services, considering our history. I have visions of those yellow police vans reappearing on the streets and I can promise you that Thabo Bester is going to be a lot less impressed with his stint in prison this time around – if we can hold onto the slippery bugger. No ways Pieter Groenewald is co-hosting any livestreaming conferences with what will soon be his first Death Row inmate.

But easily my favourite appointment is Gayton McKenzie as the Minister of Sport, Arts and Culture. I thought the man was a shoo-in for Correctional Services – he’d be the only Minister in any position with actual experience – but I suppose having run a Nightclub he has at least SOME experience. Rugby scouts are going to be hitting up the Western Cape prisons for the next World Cup squad, but then everyone deserves a second chance.

To be fair, that’s pretty much the motto of our new cabinet.